My first day(s) in Brisbane were the worst
5 February 2024. Brisbane was as hot as — if not hotter than — Jogja the moment I walked down the stairs from the plane that previously made me sick to my stomach, thanks to the series of turbulences. There was no boarding bridge, so the sun directly hit my skin and I was burning under my hat, hijab, and denim jacket. I previously thought that I would be greeted by the ecstatic feelings of finally making it here; I thought I would get goosebumps or had to contain the heartwarming tears the moment I finally breathe the air of the city I’ve been including in my repeated prayers. But I did not. I was yet to process everything, but as far as I could remember, I was simply exhausted.
During the ride to my apartment, I began to grasp the fact that now I am nearly five thousand kilometres away from my home, but I was not impressed with what I saw. It felt like driving through the Jogja’s ring road and the toll roads to Semarang and the lanes of Pantura. The sky was definitely in a more intense shade of blue, but I didn’t think it was that special. I was still a bit dizzy after surviving through the long-haul plane rides, from Jogja to Jakarta to Sydney to Brisbane, with all of the hassles in between.
When I finally arrived at the apartment that will be my official Australian address, I thought that I would finally feel more at ease. Instead, that was exactly when all the hell broke loose. I was unable to activate my Australian SIM card, yet my Indonesian provider’s roaming service suddenly came into a halt when I still had over 12 hours to use it. The unit’s WiFi was not working. The mediocre cheeseburger I ate at the Sydney Airport has been burned into thousands of steps and I could hear my grumbling stomach, yet I was too overwhelmed to unpack even my cabin-sized suitcase, let alone to get something out of the medium sized ones where I stored packs of instant noodles and ready-to-eat protein bars.
With all of the remaining energy I had, I managed to get the WiFi information of the neighbouring unit and made a complaint to the property manager and my Australian SIM provider. The provider’s customer service directed me to the call centre and my English speaking and listening ability suddenly fell down the cliff — the staffs were fortunately very nice to me. However, there was this lump in the back of my throat which started to form the moment I dragged all my three suitcases and a backpack to this all-white empty room. Aggravated by all of the unexpected (more like unwanted) things that simultaneously bombarded me, that lump ultimately exploded in the form of tears.
I cried. I fucking cried. I didn’t even understand why did I cry or what I was crying for — I am not a sentimental person to begin with, even some of my friends perceived me as someone with a lack of empathy (lol). But there I was, hysterically crying — ugly crying — on the floor, in the middle of my unpacked suitcases. My cries were loud but the silence of the room was even more deafening. Within a split second, it had crossed my mind that I wanted to go home back to Jogja. It was my very first day being in Brisbane, but there was nothing beautiful about it. Nothing like a grand entrance, a fresh, long-awaited new beginning I had expected it to be.
The following days were better, but not better in a sense that I finally got the butterflies I was supposed to feel. It was better in a sense that due to the hecticness of grocery shoppings and campus tours, I was too busy to cry. Yet, I was still far from stable. I practically begged my friends to have Zoom calls with me and some of them didn’t expect me to have those reactions upon arriving in Australia — they knew how hard I have worked and prayed to get there, so they expected me to not be that ‘homesick’, at least when I had just been there for less than a week.
I was also questioning myself because I couldn’t seem to properly decipher all of the emotions that I felt. But I do remember feeling guilty about it. Thousands of people wished they were in my position — being able to study abroad for something they’re passionate about on a full-ride scholarship. My family and friends have always been rooting for me from the start. I sacrificed a lot of things because it has been one of my biggest dreams in life. But why does my first day here feel like the worst day I have had so far this year? Why do my first week not feel like the honeymoon phase I had imagined it to be? What actually went wrong? What is wrong with me? How is it possible that I had endlessly begged to God for this opportunity, yet this is how I feel and act the moment my prayers turn into my reality? Questions kept flooding my head and honestly I am still grappling on finding the answers.
As I am writing this piece, I am approaching the third month of being here in Brisbane. If a time machine existed and I could be face-to-face with my past self, I wish I could tell myself from that first week(s) that, as cliché as it sounds, everything is going to get better.
From me to me:
You are going to get better.
You will finally get to feel those sparks and butterflies, realising that you have come so far. You will meet good people and you will make friendships that you hope will last for a long, long time. You will be surrounded by the campus buildings you once only saw in pictures, and you will get goosebumps realising that you can call yourself a student there. You will learn a lot in the courses you take — and people will also learn from you as you will finally be brave enough to vocally speak up your ideas in classes, even though it might take you some time.
You will finally be able to have video calls with your family and friends to show them exciting things instead of your sorrows. You will not cry throughout your first Ramadan here and you will spend the Eid being genuinely happy, wearing the beautiful batik wrap skirt your mother bought for you to bring here. You will still make foolish decisions and things will not always go in your way, but you will eventually learn from them — now often without (unnecessary) tears involved. You will go to beautiful places and realise that as you are going farther from home, you are actually stepping closer to your dreams — and, without a heavy heart, you will try to make this place a ‘home’ away from home.
(Almost) three months in, more to go. You will continuously experience many firsts even if it didn’t occur during your first weeks here. Some of the best days of your life in this Land Down Under have not happened yet and you will patiently (and gladly) wait for them.
You are going to be okay.
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